A food affair to remember

You are what you eat, so the old adage goes. Could it really be that slice of toast smothered with peanut butter and jam I couldn't resist? Deliciously tantalising to my sensory perceptions: smell, taste, sight and even touch - I couldn't hear the food, but if I could, I knew it would be whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Our relationship with food is just as complicated, perhaps even more so, than with our latest love interest.

But just as the end of a turbulent love affair leaves us bruised and battered, so too can foods affect us in similar ways. Who hasn't eaten things that leave you bloated and sluggish, or result in the spots you thought you'd left behind with teenage angst? And when you think about it, as the chewed up mush makes its way down the alimentary canal into the stomach to be sorted into the good, the bad and the ugly, it's no surprise that our bodies scream out in protest; our digestive juices don't give a damn how good it tastes. How reassuring, then, would it be to know in advance the enemies of our digestive system?

That's where the Novo programme comes in. The premise is deceptively simple and the word diet (as in calorie counting) doesn't come into it. The amount of diets I've tried and failed is countless - and isn't it boring? Like choosing to date the bland man in Accounts - sensible, predictable and dull, like a limp lettuce sandwich. It's no wonder that the majority of diets fall by the wayside, and you end up compensating for those plain, grilled chicken dinners with a decadent helping of sticky toffee pudding. A recent survey by BBC Good Food Magazine claimed that 90 per cent of the 1,300 respondents had been on a diet, and more than one in three of those who were overweight had tried more than 10 diets each. They don't work because in our psyche diet equates denial, and there comes a point where we just don't want to deny ourselves anymore.

So, even though we live in supposedly health conscious times, we also live in what Professor Jane Wardle, Head of Health Behaviour Unit of University College London, calls a 'toxic environment', i.e. we are more affluent than ever, cheap energy loaded food containing fat, salt and sugar is readily available and cheap, and our portion sizes are bigger than ever. Currently two thirds of men and more than 50 per cent of women in England are either over weight or clinically obese, and by 2010 it's predicted that one in four adults will be obese - that's the same figure that stands in the US currently.

Like most fashionable and covetable things, the Novo programme is bespoke which, of course, makes you feel rather special. A blood sample is taken and tested against 115 food stuffs to determine which of them provide an immune reaction in the form of an inflammatory response - these are foods which the body sees as 'foreign' and therefore attacks in the same way as bacteria or viruses. The reaction that occurs results in excess water retention, and interferes with the supply of energy to your muscles, which in turn leads to lethargy, hunger and an increase in stored fat. The programme is based on avoidance of these foods, letting your system get back into streamlined and effective shape.

I got my results in the post and pored over them eagerly; they were divided into four categories; green for foods I could eat, yellow and orange for those to be avoided for different lengths of time, and red for foods that should not be eaten at all. And, this is the exciting bit for anyone who wants more than that man in Accounts - the list of foods is bound to provide a few surprises. If I'd been worried that the usual suspects, dairy products and wheat, were to be banished from my kitchen, I needn't have. My red foods included a bizarre mix of scallops, almonds, aubergine, black tea and potatoes.

Although my list contained an abundance of foods I enjoyed, there was a definite strictness about the regime. Firstly, you are not allowed to consume alcohol for the first two months which, admittedly, I found rather difficult. But once I got used to ordering sparkling water, how I enjoyed not waking up slightly befogged, even though I'd been out late, and my energy levels soared. Alcohol is one of the main contributors to a porous gut, which allows indigestible foodstuffs to pass into the bloodstream.

I had a wide range of foods to choose from but I could not deviate from my list at all, i.e. even though I was tolerant of lettuce that meant iceberg lettuce - not rocket or romaine, which meant being particular when ordering salads.

After a couple of weeks, there was no doubt about it, weight started to drop off, slowly but surely, and my hair seemed to be much more shiny. I was giving my over-worked intestines an easy ride for once, and they were rewarding me in return.

After a few weeks I was allowed to reintroduce certain food stuffs, but if I strayed from my list, it was patently obvious - my stomach made sure of that as it bloated in protest. And, I was rather pleased to be able to have a drink again, though a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio was enough to make me merry for the evening.

So, let's hope in the future that my relationship with my love interest will run as smoothly as my new relationship with food, based on understanding, consideration and just a bit of spice.